I murdered the dance floor call the cops
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
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