a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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