youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
