I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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