Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
