just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
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