I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
