You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
