By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
