Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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