Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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