I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize