Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
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If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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