Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
