im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
