How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
