who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Randomize
