I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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