Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
