I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
