yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
