yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
