I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
