Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
