There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
