I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
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thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
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Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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