I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
