things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
