My friends, they love my intelligence
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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