i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
