Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
