considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Randomize
