you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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