so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
