the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
We need to feng shui this bitch.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
