i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
