is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
