I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
