I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
