i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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