I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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