Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
