i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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