exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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