Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize