What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
