someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
