all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
