my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
