Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
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