Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Holy sore nipples Batman
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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