Apparently you make a good broom.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
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