The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
this just has baby written all over it
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
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