omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
